"I'm Halfway There!"

On this New Years Eve, I cannot help but to think about the blessings that I have in my life. I overlook so many of them and often take them for granted. When I started this journey to earn my bachelors degree at the University of Evansville, my thoughts were focused on building my earning potential and securing better opportunities for my future. I made this decision out of fear, fear of not being able to live my life to it's greatest potential. With this fear consuming me, I walked up the steps to the administration building at UE and began a journey with no real understanding or appreciation of what was to come.

There were so many important factors that got me to those steps, the loss of my father, the health concerns of my husband and his desire for me to have a secure future, the kick in the rear that my son gave me...over and over again, and probably the most important factor was the smiles of two beautiful little ladies that I know will be my legacy, my granddaughters Kylah and Kennedy. So the plan was being laid out, earn my degree and move on. Get that piece of paper and maybe another to add to it and just move on. What was not included in the factors, I am finding to be the most important reason to not only take these first steps, but to make each and every step of my learning experience be successful. I am that reason, the future of me depends on me. My happiness depends upon it.

My only child, the only person that has been a real consistent for me in my entire adult life has made the decision to earn his MBA in Pittsburgh. He has taken his family over 500 miles away from our home. In case you hadn't noticed this yet, I'll say it loud and clear...my greatest joys are so far away that my heart has broken. Why do these things happen? It must all be a part of some evil scheme to take me down. No, I don't really think that at all. I am happy for my son and although I see his family facing many struggles to achieve the goals that they have set, I know that they will be stronger and wiser once they push through.

In case you have not noticed,(I sure didn't for quite some time)this is about me. I will stand up so fast that I will bump my head on nearly anything without a single thought or concern, in defense of another being faced with any type of injustice. Where I have always been weak is that I fail to stand up for myself. Why? I am still not certain of the answer to that question, but I am learning that I am worth standing up for. I have great value, not just to others, but to myself. So here I sit early morning New Years Eve, December 31, 2010. What have I learned thus far? I have learned that I have a great ability and desire to learn. I have fallen in love with learning, in every subject I am finding so much value that I want to delve deeper and gain a better understanding. What has changed? It is not so much about my changing as a person, but so much more of who I am that has been revealed to me. I have been told that I am such a compassionate and loving person so many times in my life. There is one person that I have really been overlooking and failing to share that love with. It is I, it is me, I matter. I had a great plan to learn about the world, what it is made of, why we are here, what are we to do with our lives, and what is to come of us. I also had a great plan to earn more money, if you have been reading my initial post you would understand the reason for this need.

I am learning to be a better person, to be a better listener. Someday I may even achieve the lofty goal of controlling my speech. I tend to talk too much and I know it. I love to talk to people, I love to learn about them, I love to share my thoughts and feelings about life. Where does all of this come from and where will it lead me? This has become the most interesting question that I am trying to answer these days.

I have made wonderful friends as an adult student. There have been difficulties, and personality issues that I have never really faced in my life. Although my heart has been heavily burdened by some of these difficulties, I have treated them as opportunities for me to learn and become a stronger woman. The best part of this aspect of my college life is that I have learned to deal with adversity without treating others poorly. I have in my past been so concerned that I might hurt another that I would accept the pain for myself. Now, I am learning to protect myself and in the kindest way possible free myself from the confounds that others may place on me.

I am learning to accept others, students and professors for what and who they are. I have learned to adjust my learning patterns to make sure that every experience is the best learning experience. I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I feel almost as free as I did in my youth when I would run through the woods behind my grandmothers house and climb the trees without fear. I have allowed my life to take me somewhere that I had become so fearful of myself, of my perceived ineptness, that I held myself back and truly devalued myself. It is true that others can bring you down, it does happen. What matters is that we learn of our own self worth, to hold our heads high, to lean forward, and to start taking the steps that will take us where we need to be. Some people will lift us up and others will try to knock us down.

I have realized that it is me that has the true control over what is to come of me. It is me who decides what kind of parent I will be, it is me who determines what my grandchildren will think of me. I alone can decide to collapse, to give up, or I can stand up for myself, do what is right and have complete confidence that the right things will happen for me. Where will I go from here? I am still not certain, I have developed some really good thoughts and ideas about it. For the most part, I am happy to be where I am today. I am grateful for the opportunity, and confident that it will be worth it after all, because it already is. I am beginning to love and respect the new me a lot. I appreciate from where I have come, my past is helping to guide me into the future that I am still dreaming of.

I pray for peace and love, the happiness of my family, for heartaches to mend for all of us. I pray for the future of my grandchildren to be lead by themselves with confidence and the knowledge that their family will always hold them up high with love and gratitude and most of all with the respect that they do and always will deserve. Onwards and upwards! Jeff and I will both graduate in the spring of 2012. We will surely live in the same city again someday, I so miss him and his wonderful and very strong wife, my daughter gifted to me by him. They are a very special family and I love sharing my life with them. 2012 will probably be my favorite year, and it is getting closer every day.

May 2011 be another year of learning and blessings for each of us, happy new year!